if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
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