You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize