So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
