so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
