You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
