i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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