So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I will pee on everything he values.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
