Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
