She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
