Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
