Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
