Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
