thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
