She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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