I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
She said her name was "party"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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