so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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