i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize