I faked an abortion last night.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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