Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Randomize
