I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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