i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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