im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize