the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize