another moral hangover. fuck.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
