hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
