Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
