Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
