Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
