If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
