If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
