highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
