my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
