the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
