your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
