I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
