I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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