Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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