Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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