I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My ATM looks so different sober.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
