living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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