we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
