well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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