I could make wine with my vomit
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
