My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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