At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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