Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
