Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
