I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
birth control should be required to get into college
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
