Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize