You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
