Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
this beer tastes like vomit already
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
