mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I want to be your penis for a week.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
