Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
