I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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