His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
