Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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