Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
