This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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