thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
