I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm at about main and main street
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
