help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize