I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Is it penis luge time yet?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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