i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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