Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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