My hand turned me down
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
