Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
