So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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