I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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