Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
