dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
