I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
you inspire me to be a worse person
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
