THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
