dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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