It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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