I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
